noter

noter 8 years. That number has been thrown around a lot lately, but for me, it's even more significant now than I thought it would be. Back in 2009 I walked onto a set that would change the course of my life in so many ways. The most unexpected of those, was the introduction to a young, wide-eyed, mostly innocent young woman. In all honesty, we were not fast friends. I was starving and dead set on being the best possible actor the CW could ever hope to have, and somewhat of an asshole because of these things. But this girl, she wasn't the type to steer clear of my bad moods and talk shit behind my back, she came at me with hurricane force winds trying to break down the walls I had built around myself. And, truthfully, she annoyed me. Her constantly cheery attitude, the way she unprofessionally pulled pranks and distracted us from the real work, not to mention her incessant gum chewing. There were times I wanted to ring her neck. Which was less about her and more about my perpetually bad mood. But she persisted. She was sweet, she'd keep coming back no matter how many times I brushed her off, she made friends with my then wife, a backhanded way of trying to get in my good graces that actually worked at the time.

Soon enough, she became one of my best friends. We shared chocolate when we were supposed to be eating leaves. We complained about how much Ian talked over us in every interview the three of us did together. She told me to be nice when I was being a dick. It seemed that overnight she transformed from this young girl who got on my nerves to my best friend that I couldn't go a day without talking to. That friendship survived a lot. My divorce. Her breakup from the first real love of her life. Our subsequent ridiculous dating dramas that followed those two life changes. Beginnings and endings. Long nights, hot days, freezing winters, injuries. Everything. Even when she left Atlanta, we stayed connected. Calling each other in the middle of the night, in different time zones, complaining about insomnia and our days and celebrating new milestones. Somewhere along the way, something changed. I'm still never quite sure when that was or how it happened. There's no defining moment where a light bulb went off in my head. Other than suddenly I hated the men she talked to me about, dreaded the dates she was going on when she was 2,000 miles away, and found any excuse to be around her that I could. As much as I refused to admit it, the signs of my changing feelings seemed to be floating in the air all around me. Then, one night during an impromptu trip to Los Angeles to see her, with whiskey in my blood urging me on, I kissed her. It was the kiss that changed everything. A kiss that made me realize the one thing I'd been looking for had literally been there all along.

It took us 8 years to get here, but I wouldn't change a second of those 8 years, because I think every single up and down, every phone call, every goodbye, every drunken night -- lead us to the kind of love you think only exists in your imagination. The kind you work at, fight for, and lose yourself in. I always heard that being in love with your best friend was the best kind of love. Now, I know that to be true.

noter i can't even really remember the first time we actually met because it feels like forever ago now. but you came back into my life when i didn't even know i needed you. we got close pretty darn fast and you ignited a spark in me i never knew existed. you changed me and for the better. i'm not the man i was a year ago and it's all thanks to you. i don't know where i would be right now without you. even though i tried to not let it show, i was so lost and so broken when you came back into my world. you fixed me. glued all my missing pieces back together and made me whole. you've become the missing puzzle piece in my heart and i never want to lose you. you've got me falling head over heels and it's honestly the best i have ever felt. i can't wait to see where life takes us now but i know it's an adventure i can't wait to take with you

noter That you have the same giant eyeballs and wide smile now as you did when you were a newborn.

noter The way you always talk to me about anything, literally anything, that comes up, and you do it seamlessly, like it's the most natural thing in the world, no matter how off the wall. The gentle sweetness of the way you handle everyone. How you make me feel special, like you enjoy me, each day, just by the way you say goodnight.

noter How very much you LOVE.

noter I know I've surely told this story at least a hundred times by now, but you were always such an inspiration to me, and one of my musical heroes. I had posters of your band on my bedroom wall and knew all your songs, and yeah, you were one of the ones that made me want to pick up a guitar and actually learn to play. I was only 17 the first time we met that first day you came in to write music with us, and my excitement to meet you couldn't be denied by the smile on my face. I loved working with you that first time, and each next time as you helped us learn and make the best music we could, loved getting to share the stage with you that one time even for just a few minutes, and all the flirting we did - and still do - on Twitter. You were always one of the people that I couldn't believe had become part of my life back then, and I could never have imagined things would be the way they are today. I still have that same smile every time I see you, but now it means so much more. TY for being a mentor, a friend, and now my love. You mean so much to me!

noter The fact that your laugh changed the way I viewed the world.

noter What I love about you. There are too many reasons. I love the strength you have. The way you took care of me and my sister. You never faltered, not one bit. You never let anything come between me and my dreams and were always there behind me each step of the way. Deep inside I am still the little girl who needs to hear "You're going to be fine, honey." With you close by I always know things will be ok. You have been my mentor, my therapist, my financial advisor, and my best friend. If I am even half the mother you are, I will consider myself blessed. You got me, and I got you. Together, we always pull through.

noter My love for you holds nothing back. You complete me in a way I never knew that I needed. You walked into my life, smiled, and I was forever yours. Protecting you is what I do best, loving you is what I do most. Loving you forever is what I promise to do always making sure you know and understand. You are my entire reason for existing, and I do believe you and I were born and destined to meet like we did and have fate take its course.

noter I love that rough days can be conquered through our joint insanity, because all I need to laugh is all of you.

noter I used to love the way you would smile no matter what, even when things were really hard and stressful. You could always find the light in any darkness and bring out the sunshine in everyone.

noter The way you fangirl, then cover it by being funny. It always makes me laugh.

noter It doesn't matter what we talk about, there's always a smile on my face.

noter To the lads I call best mates. You know who you are. Thank you for always being there for me. For having my back. I love that I have been blessed enough to have you in my life and I love how you accept me for me. And share your food with me.

noter I met you almost 7 years ago. I was the nerdy kid who didn't belong. But you... you were gravity. You were cute and had this air about you. I could tell that people were drawn to you and maybe they didn't even know why. The first time we spoke I thought I might pass out. But every passing moment I felt myself more drawn to you until I was drowning. It's impossible to sit here and name everything I love about you. I'll sum it up. You're beautiful inside and out. When you drown in self doubt, I just want to put you in front of a mirror so you can see what I see outside but put you in front of a soul x-ray so you can see what I see inside of you. You're beautiful but not just on the surface. You've a big heart, a kind soul and you're so compassionate and caring. From day one you have always protected me. From telling people to back off when they started to put me down, to holding me as I cried sometimes on stage and all the time in private. To taking on the paps to just being there. I have always felt safe and cared for in your arms. I feel like I'm home. And you're all the love I have ever wanted or needed. You're my moon and sun.

noter I was in the car, and this song started playing. It was cute, but it was nothing, it was fun, but it wasn't sticking until I heard 'I'm ripping off that bandage because I just can't stand it' and I fidgeted at that, my whole body shifted, as though I had been singing along and a bug flew in my throat, the general feeling of what wasn't there was and it shouldn't have been. It's a never-ending weird, isn't it, how we can be re-directed by what would be otherwise insignificant in our lives but then it happens and we try to explain it to a person and they're nodding along either on the same page or listening to listen, and it's hard to explain the momentum of a moment to somebody who is not in it with you. It took me back to a conversation earlier I had where they said 'rip the bandage off' and side-eying the convenience of it all because I don't, in my heart, believe in coincidences, I just romanticize make-believe because it keeps my heart young when everything feels old. The song that followed was background noise to the motorcycle beside me, and they sang 'And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways' and I fidgeted at that again because there was something vulnerable I had been carrying with me since New York, that never, really left, and there are instances where it flairs up and my insides feel like that hamburger Dad forgot to take off the grill and we all yelled, Daddy it's smoking. The drive changed, an uninvited guest named nostalgia with its feet up in the passenger's seat, with its dirty sneakers, and denim blue, and crooked smile behind a pair of sunglasses that I had bought it for its birthday. The uproar of missing somebody and insisting they leave but they don't, full force of the imaginary making their face instantly show up on every paper from lost/if found call to garage sale for a fifteen mile radius from Walgreen's to Whole Foods until it really did, the length of its cinematic advertisement and your face passing me by on the right on Sunset. There are people, in our lives, who sleep under your skin, like a doormat volcano, not knowing when they'll wake up, sometimes that's beautiful, sometimes that's cold.

The world was once, simultaneously, big and small, so far to reach, so close I could not breathe, but it took, merely, a look from you, the feel of your hand grabbing mine, and we were, all of a sudden, stealing moments from moments, minutes from minutes, each echo of time carved out for you and I, and you made me feel safe, safer than I'd ever known. Everything made sense with you by my side, the feeling of 'your girl' locked and loaded that even the, slight, of wind through my hair knew who I belonged to. It made loving living and living loving and you made me feel powerful, insisting I could do anything, you made me feel beautiful, promising I didn't need that or that or that, you made me feel how you saw me was worth trying on for myself, and you taught me how to love myself, in a way I had, never, fully committed to before. It's strange when it stops, like that film that resonated with you so deeply it's as though it was made for you, and you're sitting in the theater, clutching popcorn you weren't hungry for, the credits dragging because you don't want to let go. You don't want to let go, you let go, you don't want to let go, you let go, every now and then you look down and your hands are closed. Oh, the fear, of opening them and knowing nothing is there. The seeds at the core, the flavor beneath the peel, love sprang from the dirt, home-grown, and produced the sweetest love crushed between teeth. Your charm, your endless abilty that surpassed my own, your softness your best kept secret. There are people, in our lives, who sleep under your skin, like a doormat volcano, not knowing when they'll wake up, sometimes that's beautiful, sometimes that's cold, sometimes in the dawn of morning, I can still taste you.